The next morning I woke up and peered underneath the kitchen sink in hopes of finding absolutely nothing that would indicate to me that I have new roommates living in my walls. Between the rice container and the dog food was an ocean of plastic bags stuffed in there like the cotton inside of a vitamin bottle. After removing the bags I found pellets of rat poo scattered everywhere. I took a closer look at the rice container and found that the rat that had gotten to it and was maybe hiding somewhere hoping I wouldn't notice. He would have gotten a kick out of me thinking it was multi-grain rice. So I cleaned out the rat poo and disinfected the entire kitchen sink and threw away what I thought was the cause of the problem hoping I still didn't have to confront this horrid creature.
The next day I forgot all about it. While watching a rerun of iCarly, I saw off the corner of eye something dart across the living room. I didn't get a good look at it but I knew my eyes weren't deceiving me. It's been three days, I've tried to give it a heart attack, removed it's main source of food, yet there was more poo than ever littered all over my kitchen. Now I knew it was crapping everywhere because it just could. It was mocking me. The rat knew it was too fast for me and it knew I was scared of it. Fine, you wanna play like that? I ain't cleanin' up after you no mo. I went across the street to Walgreens to find the greatest rat trap ever. I saw the conventional rat traps, the kinds used in the Tom & Jerry cartoons, but then I pictured the sight of Jerry pinned underneath a metal rod with a broken neck as something that could potentially scar me forever so I continued looking. I came across these poison pellets the rodent was supposed to think of as food. I almost bought it then thought, what if it died somewhere I couldn't get to and I just had to live with the smell of rotting mouse? Then I finally found a contraption that lured the mouse into it's little cave then once inside it instantly closed leaving the mouse with no escape until I felt like it learned it's lesson. It was pretty expensive but I thought this was the cleanest, most civilized way of getting rid of it. But then I remembered I had a manager who handled things like this so I left it at the counter and bought a pack of mints and a toothbrush instead.
This morning I went to the manager and she sent up someone to set up traps. A few minutes later a 6'5 black man with an impressive physique comes in with tools in hand saying, "I hear you have a varmint living in your house." Then continued to covered up the holes made by the rodent then set up a sticky trap underneath the sink. About an hour after, I checked on the trap thinking I should maybe put bait on it but there was no need. There it was. A little brown mouse no bigger than the size of a Pink Pearl eraser. The mouse looked as if it had been caught stealing and stayed still hoping I wouldn't see it. I thought about the millions of things that must've been going through it's head. I sat down and stared at the mouse for longer than I should've then closed the door hoping it wouldn't be there the next time I checked on it. I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel about this situation. Here was this rodent going about it's day, working to survive in it's world. It may have not known it was doing anything wrong by crapping everywhere but only doing it in accordance to how all living things function. Maybe the mouse would have cleaned up after itself if it knew that the poo was bothersome. I wouldn't have minded feeding it. I looked at it again and this time it had no shame in trying to escape. It was squealing, thrusting it's rear in the air in hopes of freeing itself. It somehow managed to get it's face stuck as well. It kept thrusting itself forward, trying so hard it was shitting involuntarily. There was nothing I could do to save it. If I were to try to pull it off I would have ripped out it's limbs which were already mangled. I couldn't stand witness to this any longer so I picked up the sticky pad and headed for the dumpster. I don't know what compelled me to look but I wanted to find out whether it was a boy or a girl. I didn't see any balls or anything that resembled a penis so I concluded that this giant rat that went pillaging through my kitchen at night, leaving it's territorial markings everywhere for me to see was merely a mother trying to find food for her children. She was probably on her last excursion and headed home to tell her children that the rice mine was no longer there and that she was going to go elsewhere to find food. So with one last goodbye I sent mother mouse down the chute to a place she would've called heaven if she had found it before finding my kitchen.
3 comments:
I thought I was the only adult to watch iCarly.
iCarly rocks my socks!
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